*Book notes and thoughts from No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover
Once upon a time, a mentor said to me, “The number one thing a woman wants is to feel safe.” There is nothing more that feels like home than someone whom you feel no need to put on a show for.
In other words, “feeling secure.”
How is it, then, that bad boys are preferred to the notorious Nice Guy in all of the movies?
After reading No More Mr. Nice Guy, I believe the answer is simple: bad boys are willing to stand up for something, for someone. They have opinions, right or wrong, and they let the world know it.
It follows, then, that if a girl dates a bad boy, he will put in effort to protect and care for her.
The Nice Guy, however, is more fickle. We are not exactly sure what he stands for.
We know that he doesn’t like to upset anyone. We know that he’s a people pleaser, and in turn fairly easy to push over.
The symptoms of being a Nice Guy, according to the book, are as follows:
- you feel like you can never do enough for your partner
- you define yourself as ‘low maintenance’ and easygoing
- you don’t have a problem with anyone—ever
- you don’t have much that you want, and if you did want something, you wouldn’t dare ask for it in fear of being selfish
- when your acts of affection don’t earn you what you want, be it sex, a compliment, a thank-you, you double down, work harder and hope that you’ll get one of those things next time (if not, the resentment will passively aggressively begin to eke out)
And perhaps the dead ringer:
Her: “What do you want to do tonight?”
Him: “Whatever makes you happy.”
The Problem
For the woman, it is difficult to relate to someone who’s only giving you a fraction of their personality. However, it’s not that simple for the Nice Guy. He can’t just start having wants now. Too much risk having these exiled wants see the light of day. Better to hope she just reads his mind at some point and figures it out.
Dr. Robert Glover believes that the roots of Nice Guy syndrome stem historically from the 1970s. At this time, the women’s movement was in full swing. On the far side of feminism were beliefs such as “all men are evil,” “men are what’s wrong with the world,” and “being masculine is what’s wrong with men.”
Oof. So 50% of the population should feel ashamed for not being the gender of the other 50%? Obviously not, but then what happens?
The 1970s were also a time of industrialization and a shift away from agriculture. Men spent decreasing amounts of time raising their children. Women were taking the absolute lion’s share of leading and developing the boys and girls into adults.
Thus, for these boys primarily raised by a mother, their idea of what a good, strong man is would be shaped largely by a female’s perspective. Not a bad thing. This does have some tradeoffs.
Men, on average, tend to be higher in traits of assertiveness, disagreeableness, and aggression. These traits make men especially competitive in dominance and competence games. It makes them ambitious. It makes them desire to beat other men in the race to be the most successful.
Women—on average—tend to be higher in agreeableness, nurturing, and emotional intelligence. When this is the color of your worldview, then you will tend to raise children with the same behaviors or characteristics.
I’m not saying that women can’t be assertive, disagreeable, or aggressive. All of the traits described are accessible to anyone. I am saying that the averages tend to be this way, and that has consequences on what the average child raised by an average single mother or father will turn out to be like.
Now, some other factors: when a child is young, they are both egocentric and helpless. They have an “I’m the center of the world” perspective and are quite incapable of providing for themselves. So, when there is a needy parent thrown into the mix—needy being emotional or physical—that child can blame themselves for the behavior of their parent.
Say they have a demanding mother. As a defense, that child may blame themselves for the demands of the mother. It is their fault that their mom is never happy, that their father is never satisfied. If only they were a better child, they wouldn’t deserve the punishments of their parents.
It’s much easier to find yourself at fault than to believe the idea that your parents, whom you will be living with for the next decade, are perhaps terrible people. Easier to blame yourself for your misery so there is someone that you can dole out the punishment on.
I digress.
Mothers raising boys and the impressionable nature of a child mean that they grow to appease the needs of those around them. Having wants of one’s own is inviting disappointment and perhaps part of the problem in the first place.
So what’s the solution look like?
Women don’t want a pushover for a partner. They want a real person to interact with. Not someone who will just appease their every request.
So, perhaps, the place to start is to teach men to have some wants of their own and learn to express them. In the book, it is warned that the partner will likely get angry and push back against these requests. She wants to know whether they are serious. She wants to know whether you are actually going to stand up for something.
The thought may be, show her that you are willing to stand up to her, and perhaps you’d also be willing to stand up for her. There is respect and safety in that.
So you find some things to desire. Some things to do for your sake alone. You go watch a movie by yourself. You go golfing with the boys. You read a book or play a video game that you’ve wanted to check out (any reason to buy a book is a good reason).
This is not advice for the narcissist. The narcissist does not need encouragement to think more of themselves.
This is advice for the Nice Guy who hasn’t thought about what he actually wants in a long time.
Eventually, the Nice Guy will be capable of cocreating a life once again with his partner. She won’t have to make up the entire story herself, and that’s extremely attractive (this is that “never stop dating your wife” kind of vibe)
Additional advice is for the Nice Guy to develop some strong male friendships. Often, the Nice Guy surrounds himself with mostly female friends. They would say he’s nice and harmless and be unlikely to date him. Being harmless is not attractive.
It is not a kindness to leave someone alone if you couldn’t have harmed them in the first place—you didn’t have a choice otherwise. Power under control is what feels like security. You must be capable of providing security, not just eager to try.
Caveat
An interesting idea in the book was the idea of self-pleasure. I do not agree with his argument fully, but the logic is simple to follow.
For many men in the Nice Guy category, shame stalks the feelings of sexual desire. Whether that’s from how they were raised in the church, keeping sexual conversation metaphorically or physically in the dark, or a general inability to talk about sex, shame stalks. Shame prevents pleasure.
To remove shame, the author argues that you need to be able to pleasure yourself and eventually have that experience without shame before you will be able to allow someone else to pleasure you.