In the absence of information, people fill in the blanks in the direction of their emotions.
Just sit and think about that idea for a little while.
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Some Emotional Filling in the Blank Examples
- Don’t know who to pick for President? Well, which one do you like more? Who is better looking? JFK obviously. Sorry Nixon.
- Do I think you’re smart? No idea, but I like you, so you’re probably smart.
- I hate you. You’re probably stupid too.
- I have no idea what my politician actually does but I shook his hand one time and had a great conversation with him. I felt heard and understood. He must be a great congressman!
A lot of this mental math happens subconsciously. It’s known as the affect heuristic. You and I do it all the time. We substitute a harder question, “Would he be a good President?”, with the much easier “Well, how do I feel about him?” “What has consuming content about and around him made me feel?” Warm and fuzzies or the ick?
If you have a well developed gut feeling about most things, then perhaps this isn’t so bad. However, we should keep this subliminal short circuiting in mind when we are developing opinions about others. We are making judgements–*ahem* assessments–of those around us all the time based on sets of very limited information.
Our gut sense of “do I trust this guy?” shapes and biases our thoughts about all the other colors of that guy. If we can trace that gut sense back to actual things they’ve said or done, then we have two things:
- A pattern of behavior that we can look for in the future, whether it’s something to seek out or avoid.
- Less ambiguity over why they make you feel the way you feel. If they make you feel uncomfortable, you can now ask for specific behaviors to stop. If they make you feel great–i.e., with a boyfriend or girlfriend–you now have behaviors you’ve identified that you can ask for more of! 🥳
Think about the relationship that is on the rocks, beginning to flail about. Obviously, the relationship was on the rocks a while back, but neither of them could put their finger. They both just sensed that something was different and hoped those feelings would go away.
Now, the girlfriend thinks he’s distant (read: undercommunicating), so in the absence of connection and feedback from him, her insecurities start to concoct some reasons why this is happening. Perhaps he’s having an affair, or he doesn’t love me anymore, or he’s about to leave me because I’m ugly.
The easiest way to stop this spiral is to figure out what you could ask him to do or say that would bring you a sense of peace. What feedback do you want from him?
However, most people aren’t analyzing their emotions like this? 🙂
So What?
In any situation–especially relationships–where you have limited information, attempt to overcommunicate so that doubt and insecurity won’t have a foothold. Otherwise, the stories they tell themselves about you may run rampant. They fill the gaps with assumptions in the direction of their current emotions.
Give your spouse, partner, friend, or employees the peace of filling in the blanks for them. Build your reputation live. Your reputation is what people will then fills in the blanks with.
People you like get the benefit of the doubt and shiny attributes: hard working, beautiful, charismatic, probably rich, good people. The people you dislike: lazy, incompetent, for sure ugly, puppy-kicking kind of people.
How I’ve Tried to Overcommunicate
There is so little oversight as a leader. They could be grinding away at their computers all day while I play Candy Crush on my phone, and would they be none-the-wiser? I don’t think so. They know. They’d think I’m an absolute bum. And I don’t want the potential for that thought to even exist.
When I’ve taken over new teams, I’ve made it a point to tell them how I spent my time during the day. As their boss, I have the right to ask them how they spent their time, but socially, they can’t ask me, so I have to give them that.
At the daily closeout meetings, I’d share what my projects for the week were, upcoming events I’d planned for them, and where I thought I wasted my time. I’d also warn them that I will try to take their work from them because my hands were too idle. They need to slap my hands so I can focus on tasks that only I have access or the purview of.
By overcommunicating to my teams, there is greater peace and security all around.
Action Items
- Pick someone that you care about. Teammates or partners. Where could you overcommunicate with them more? Answer and execute. If lost, ask them.
- What is your reputation? Can you influence it by communicating more? Certainly. So communicate more about what?