You should have expectations, and the closer the friend, the more expectations you should have of them.

Expectations by any other word are still expectations. Desires, wants, needs, standards = expectations. Or, at the very least, hopes. Hopes just come less attached.

Let me put it this way: would you like it if your friends and family had no expectations of you? You could do whatever you want whenever you want and they’d just say:

No of course not. Maybe in our teenage years but we’re past that.

The people you know expect you to be reasonably predictable—consistent if you will. Consistent with your values if nothing else.

True unpredictability in a relationship is a recipe for chaos.

So What About the ‘No Expectations’ Gurus?

Why all the hubbub saying you shouldn’t have any expectations of others? Because people wrap their sense of self-worth up in those expectations and it’s a recipe for disaster.

If you can’t untether your ego from your expectations, you’re really expressing needs, not wants. Untethered expectations are equal to wants.

To tell the difference between the two think of it like this: you know it’s a need when “no” wasn’t actually one of the options for your emotional wellbeing.

Whenever you notice a visceral reaction to their ‘no’, that is a trigger to do some soul searching. Why did that hurt so much? What am I lacking or wanting more of? Sometimes those emotions externalize as anger. Watch out for that too.

Whenever you experience a negative emotion, get curious. Go root it out and figure out where it’s coming from. Open the black box you’ve been keeping in your head if you have to.

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Let me circle the wagons back.

Having expectations of other people is not bad. Generally, try to have little to no expectations of people that you don’t care about so they’re more likely to exceed your expectations.

When it comes to people you care about, you should have standards that you hold them to. Those standards come from the ones they’ve set (verbally expressed or demonstrated across experiences) or the ones that you’ve set for them via a boundary. Boundaries are behaviors that you’ve asked them to not repeat. Standards can also metamorphosis into goals of growth for each other.

So What is a Friend?

A friend is someone who actively tries to make you better. A friend with no expectations of you is extremely unlikely to make you a better person. They might accidentally or haphazardly teach you something along the way but they didn’t go out of their way to make sure you didn’t miss the lesson.

You had to catch the lesson on your own.

So, yes, you can learn something from everyone, but some people also won’t leave learning that lesson up to chance.

Sometimes friends with good intentions fear upsetting you more than they care about your personal growth. This is noble in a way but can also be a “ruinous empathy” as Kim Scott put it. A ruinous empathy is being more concerned about someone’s emotions than saying the thing that would help them grow. It is being nice over kind.

If you find yourself saying, I need to wait until the timing is right, and the timing still hasn’t been right after many moons, this is probably you. That’s okay. Your heart is in the right place but you need to know when to cause necessary pain and discomfort to those you care about.

Timing is important but waiting for perfect will leave you forever waiting.

It is difficult to have expectations of others and hold them to a higher standard. It is risky in fact. It might cost you the relationship. Do it anyway. You’ll find yourself with a much more fulfilling relationship on the other side.

One Caveat.

 Your high expectations of your friends need to come with high support: 1) your high expectations need to come across as a belief that they can do it 2) you need to be actively looking for ways to help them get there.

To illustrate that point, let me show you three different kinds of friends…

Which friend are you most of the time?

Friend #1 is a fan. Curious about what you’re doing but nothing more.

Friend #2 is a much better friend, perhaps even a close friend.

Friend #3 is a best friend. No questions asked. I see what you’re doing and how to I can help. Let’s get to work.

Thought Experiments:

What are your standards (ie., expectations) of your friends?

What are your closest friends’ expectations of you?

What would be your expectations of a best friend?