🪄 Keystones:

• A creepy comment makes the other person uncomfortable because of where or what it draws attention to and what it implies. Or because they find you especially unattractive and don’t want your attention.
• A comment of kiss-uppery is all about the other person and may have other ulterior motives
• A genuine, non-creepy compliment is specific about what they did, do, or are and its effect on you—i.e., why you appreciate it.

Bad Compliments and Creepy Compliments

Unfortunately, if the other person thinks you are ugly, it’s much easier to perceive your compliment as creepy. Rough. I know. On the flip side, if they find you physically attractive, there is a much greater chance they’ll perceive your compliment as flirty. As the adage goes: looks are not everything but it is not nothing. Your physical attractiveness to someone is significant to some but not all.

You can also give a creepy compliment by making them uncomfortable with where your words draw attention to. When someone compliments a part of your body—one of your physical characteristics—they signal to you where their attention has been. For example, complimenting someone’s butt, except for in a romantic relationship, tends to be quite uncomfortable. Other things that would be weird to receive a compliment are your lips, chest, or legs.

Any comment that makes the other person feel sexualized, either due to your words or your non-verbals, will probably be creeped out by your compliments.

The Non-Verbals of a Bad Compliment

Consider these different non-verbals after the delivery of a compliment:

Your non-verbals communicate a lot about your intent when you give a compliment. After you gave the compliment did you look down, up, or to the side? Did you wink at them? (*personal side note: winks are horrible and always strange to me. Please don’t ever wink at me 😂). Did you move closer to them after you said it? Did you blush? Etc., etc., etc.

The Form of a Good Compliment

I can live for two months on a good compliment.

— Mark Twain

A good compliment is specific to what the other did, does, or is that you appreciate. State the effect their action/behavior has on you. For example, “Thank you for your help” is not better than “Thank you for the last two hours you spent helping me clean out my garage. This takes a huge weight off of my shoulders.”

Compliment people more often. It’s a fun, free gift that you can give to those around you every day. Plus, when you give people feedback on what they do that you appreciate, they will likely do more of it. People love receiving compliments and being recognized for the things they do.

Some things you might compliment about someone else to get the juices flowing:

• Their work ethic + [its effect on you]
• Fashion/style + [its effect on you]
• The way they handled a high-stakes situation + [its effect on you]
• A presentation they recently gave + [its effect on you]
• The way they treated the waiter + [its effect on you]v

The easiest way to find genuine things to compliment is to reflect on the effects the people around you have had on you recently and tell them about it–or go back in history and tell them about what they’ve done that’s had an impact on you.

An Equation for the Math Nerds Out There:

Experiments

❗Lol this should be fun. Compliment the personality of one stranger and one friend by next Wednesday.

❗Ask a friend what they appreciate about you and take note of the first qualities they mention. Was there anything you were hoping they’d say that they didn’t?

Let me know how your experiments go!